I had to have a talk with Ethan last night about the difference between feeling angry and acting angry… That is a tough concept for an eight year old to get. I don’t think I did well with it until just the last several years, and I’m 44!
I explained that feeling angry is a normal human emotion, and in many cases, it is justifiable to feel angry. However, acting out in anger is almost always a bad idea, and often times will cause much damage. Looking back into my life, I can honestly say that I regret acting angry in every circumstance. I can’t think of a single time that acting out in anger had a positive effect in my life. All I ever accomplished was to hurt myself, hurt others, damage relationships, break things, and lose credibility with people. Even though feeling angry may have been justified, acting in anger rarely, if ever, produces any positive results.
How do I take 30+ years of adult experience and explain it to an eight year old?? Hmmmm… That’s tough… I think I explained it well, but I have no way to help him gain control of his actions, other than to say there will be disciplinary consequences to his actions if he makes poor choices in response to his anger. Deterrents work, but I’d love for him to gain wisdom without having to suffer any consequences. Unfortunately, I don’t think that is the norm when dealing with human nature…
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I came upon your blog because I was searching for news about the Bonhomme Richard. My son is currently a Marine on that ship. I hadn't seen the picture you posted, so thank you. Regarding your son. . . what a great thing you are doing as a father. Yes, a difficult concept for an eight year old, but you are giving him the tools to cope with these emotions. I heard a well-respected child psychologist and father say, "boys have one negative emotion--anger." He also said that their anger is most often expressed with aggression. (I have two sons and agree.) He said that one way we can help our sons is to validate their emotions (exactly what you did) and to give them other names for negative emotions, like disappointment, frustration, anxiety, pain, etc. His advice has been both insightful and helpful to me, I hope it helps you. Keep up the good work as a dad and I wish you well on your new business endeavor!
Sincerely,
Sheila
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