April Fool's Day post about Starbucks

I did not write this, but I saw this post presented as an April Fool's day joke, dated in the year 2048. I couldn't help but post it...

Starbucks’ brew includes AMD
Dexter Spamann, Interstellar Employee Communications
Stardate: April 1, 2048

It’s the cherry on the coffee ice cream sundae. Today, Starbucks Corporation acquired AMD to form Starbucks Semiconductor.

Starbucks-AMD blend is evolutionary
After a wild spree of acquisitions through the 2020s and 2030s, Starbucks has finally added beleaguered AMD Corporation to their ranks.

“It was the next obvious step,” says Starbucks Semiconductor CEO Norman Brewski.

75% of all stores now a Starbucks
Starbucks spent much of the 1990s and 2000s trying to create the “third place,” a location for all that existed between work and home. But in the late teens, Starbucks hit saturation.

“We had an outlet on every street corner around the globe, and every major location across the solar system,” recalls Brewski.

“In some areas, the company had clustered so many stores in prime locations that main streets consisted of nothing but Starbucks coffee shops and their derivatives: Starbucks Autos, Starbucks Rehab, and upscale retailer, “*$”.

Starbucks needed new places to go.

By 2025: A Starbucks in every home
With the outdoor market now saturated, Starbucks set their sights on putting a barista in every home, with the long-term goal of having an outlet in every room.

They achieved this remarkably quickly with the invention of the RoboBarista, a device powered by an AMD 7-core processor (AMD was not able to get very high yields on 8-core designs and so came up with a novel marketing effort suggesting that “seven was just luckier than eight”).

In just twelve years, Starbucks had expanded to 3.2 billion outlets and was selling more coffee than could be farmed in the newly fertile plantation fields of Greenland. Imported coffee, now grown on Mars, was praised for its low-gravity taste.

Starbucks expansion continued unabated through the 2030s
After the acquisition of ToyotaFordBMW in 2029 that enabled Starbucks to put in-seat latte into every HoverCar, the mission to personalize coffee and continue to increase its distribution became even more of a challenge.

“When your product is already available in every store, every home and every car, where else is there to go?” a Starbucks spokesperson told the Earth Gazette at the time.

That’s where AMD comes in.

Combining caffeine and silicon
“With the miniaturization afforded by Moore’s Law, chips are now the size of coffee grounds,” explains Starbucks chief scientist Steve Pawlowski, who bolted Intel for the new post with the coffee conglomerate. “We realized it was time to mix silicon and caffeine in an exciting new way.”

The company had previously attempted to extend its brand with a line of combo appliances, including Wii-cappuccino makers and Sony Blu-ray coffee roasters. However these were banned in 2011 after gamers and home movie-watchers found they were able to stay up for nights on end, missing work and severely impacting the global economy.

Starbucks learned from that experience and has apparently been experimenting for some time to find the next breakthrough in personal coffee-making. Their solution: the internal coffee-maker.

Starbucks inside
“Our first design for the computer-controlled caffeine-release system (CCCRS) was a laser-guided suppository, but testers complained that the coffee it brewed and released into the blood-stream tasted bitter,” says Pawlowski. “That’s when we decided to just embed the CCCRS in the roof of the mouth. We’re calling it OCD – Oral Coffee Delivery.”

“Their logo’s green; our logo’s green. And that’s very important to us,” says CEO Brewski.

Green logos and extreme customization are what has made this company so successful he claims. [Note for history buffs: Starbucks discontinued the “regular cup of coffee” back in 2009, ceding that market to archrival Dunkin Donuts]

And that customization will continue with Starbucks Semiconductor.

Brewski demonstrates as he orders his own CCCRS from his RoboBarista, “I’ll have a low-fat Phenomuccino with triple cores, GPS, and foam.”